Saturday, July 11, 2009

More proof that sugar is bad for you


According to this BBC story, a New Jersey chocolate factory worker died after falling into a vat of chocolate. I always thought this could be an ok way to go, but I think the chocolate was so hot in this case that it would just have been painful.

But given my tasteless title and picture for this post, I can at least now prove to the mysterious Purple People Eater that I'm just as dismissive of human life as animal life when it comes to death by chocolate!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Moko gets swindled


About a decade ago, I spent a summer volunteering in Morocco. In addition to memorizing all the guide book tips, I had learned from my Moroccan co-volunteers the dos and don'ts of being street smart in the big cities, where foreign tourists were less numerous than they are today.

So at the end of her volunteering stint, savvy little miss Moko took herself to Casablanca, as she wanted to see the famed city, as well as explore the possibility of doing a PhD at the university (at which point, any listener of my story usually interrupts me and asks, "Oh, did you speak Arabic?"...at which point I blush and then wave aside their question as if irrelevant).

Anyway, on my first day in Casablanca, I was relaxing in the shade of an olive tree when a man approached me to ask the time. He then proceeded to tell me he was a professor at the university. We kicked off a conversation during which I impressed him with my (not so) extraordinary knowledge of Maghreb literature, and eventually he invited me and my then-boyfriend to dinner with him and his wife later in the evening. Of course! This is what the guide books said might happen--"Moroccan hospitality is well known"--and so we accepted, and then set out to buy something to take to his house as a housewarming gift.

Now I was in Morocco only shortly after finishing college, and I had very little money to my name. (In fact, so little, that I got mad when my then-boyfriend spent the equivalent of 25 cents on an ice cream in Casablanca. Sorry Mr. Ex...though only kinda.) But I really wanted to make a good impression on the professor, so I went into the most luxurious bakery in all of Casablanca and bought up a whole array of sweets, including the ones in the photo of tasty fig and marzipan numbers.

Later that day, we met the "professor" in a very chic suburb of Casablanca. After 15 minutes of my babble about literature, he suddenly asked us whether we would want wine with our dinner. "As a Muslim, I cannot drink it, but I can purchase some in a secret bar up the road if you give me some money."

The distinction between buying and consuming struck me a bit like a religious friend I had in high school who refused to have sex but had no issues with giving oral pleasures--but hey, I wasn't going to question it. After all, the thought of having wine in Morocco seemed thrilling given how taboo it was (again, this seems to have changed quite a bit over the past decade), so I said yes, and promptly handed over the equivalent of ten dollars---a total fortune for me then, and no doubt a bit irksome to that ex-boyfriend who was still smarting from his 50-cent purchase.

The man stood up and as he made to leave, he stopped and eyed my box full of pastries. "I will take this to my wife on the way," he said smiling.

...And, well, you already know how this story ends. The man never returned, we never got our wine, and I never got to try the marzipan figs until I returned to Morocco earlier this year.

Oh, and my boyfriend and I broke up.

I still regret the part about the figs though.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Macha McVities


McVitie's are one of England's few great contributions to modern society (other contenders: porridge, builders tea, and sunlight until 9pm in the summers). For those of you who haven't had them, they're like fake cookies that are great to dunk in tea or hot chocolate, or even to pair with sharp cheese just for a zingy taste pow sensation.

That said, I've always thought it was a bit disingenuous the way McVitie's would call themselves "digestive biscuits" as if they were somehow healthy. Let's call a spade a spade here: these things are really only connected to digestion in that your stomach needs to digest them.

Now McVitie's has found a new gimmick: Matcha McVities---kinda like standard McVities meets Oreos meets matcha. And matcha--as McDonalds and Starbucks and 1 million years of Eastern medicine would have us believe--is a magical, magical thing.

Well guess what? They're really, really tasty. (And totally not healthy.)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My soulmate


Today I looked in the mirror and saw that I'm actually not a ghostly pale blonde girl: I am Lamar Odom.

Take a look at this post, sent to me by the Quiet Quieter. Lamar and I walk alike, we talk alike, we certainly eat alike, and we get distracted alike due to our sweet tooth.

All that's left is for me to grow a foot taller and take up basketball.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

More fun with wafers

Under my new sugar ban I'm not actually allowed to eat any of these things I get but just ogle them (and ok maybe take an occasional taste in the name of science). So I had to keep adding things to the blueberry wafer treat from the other day to get it to a point of complete inediblity where it didn't matter how big my craving was.

So I decided to glue on my little people friends...because glue is not tasty (unless it's sugar glue like the kind you use in elementary school).

So here you have my New York City block. The person in the middle on the right-hand side is actually an angry mother. She's (clearly) climbing up the scaffolding to get up to the roof so that she can drag down her pot-smoking teenager.

p.s. I'm sure this sugar ban stuff will end soon. I'm as bored with it as you are ;-)

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

What! Is! This!?!

I had imagined this would be a ccrispy wafer full of oozing blue soda-y goodness. Alas, there was no ooze or soda, but points to them for making a sucker out of me!

But that reminds me, does anyone know of any good blueberry candy? Why is it such an un(der)appreciated fruit? Texture-wise, they pop in your mouth and go all gushy. And if you get those great GMO ones you can get them as big as your fist. No joke.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Modern art made from...what?

Any guesses as to what candy I've used to create this Edward Hopper-esque portrain of alienation in a furniture store?


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The chocolate ceiling??

As if it wasn't enough that we make less money then men and can't pee standing up, now there's a special chocolate for the bearers of a Y chromosome:

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Tragedy of Chocomomo (a.k.a. What Moko does w/ her candy when she can't eat it)

There once was a chocolate lollipop named Chocomomo. He was the only chocolate lollipop in the whole world, and was born in the only chocolate forest left on our planet.

He grew up surrounded by thousands of chocolate trees and mushrooms, but he was never invited to their parties or games. He dreamed of being popular...

but he was simply too different for the forest creatures to accept him as one of them. Everyone avoided him and...

...behind his smile was great sadness. So he tried to change himself. So he cut his hair in forest fashion...

...and tried his very best to blend in with the flora and fauna.


He lost weight:

Got contacts:

But it was all to no avail. The chocolate creatures didn't want to have anything to do with him. Chocomomo cried rivers of chocolate tears.

He gave up on the forest and tried to befriend the hippies who sometimes beat their drums near his home.

They were nice and mellow, but one day one the hippies actually mistook Chocomomo for his bong and nearly lit the poor little chocopop on fire.

It was with great sadness that Chocomomo took a long look in the mirror and realized he could not change himself. He was Chocomomo, and Chocomomo he would be.


So he left the forest and searched out Chocomomos like himself. He came close many times--like in a packing box outside Philadelphia.

And finally, after many months of searching, found his place amongst a group of furries:


And now, even when he's alone, he feels loved.

The end.

oh how i miss my sugar...

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Candy-like uncandies

Japan is so great. Even it's uncandies are packaged a bit like candies. Who wouldn't want to try eel crackers or katsu (excuse me, BIGG Katsu) after holding these cute little Pocky stick-type packages in their hands?

Monday, May 04, 2009

Tracks of my Sugarless Tears

Third week sans sucre:


Baby take a gooood look at my face
You see my smiiiile looks out of place
Just a little closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

Friday, May 01, 2009

An Ugly Picture of Rehab

Given my new sobriety I can't eat the wonderful box of sweets Jon sent me. But I also can't bear to throw or give them away as the thought of someone else enjoying my Pocky sticks just makes me cry.

So instead I've decided to play with them until their chocolatey goodness seeps into the various rugs, tables, clothes, etc. that I wrap them in, the idea being that they will surround me in my daily life (at least till I vaccuum).

So here is my chocolate forest of despair:

Doesn't my forest look so sad?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Another box!



Two boxes in the same month!

This one's courtesy of Jon from Japan. I was so excited by all of the convenience store goodies that I unpacked and packed the bag three times! (Yes, that's about all I can do with the box right now given that I've sworn off sugar...but we'll see how long that lasts!)

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Two weeks sans sucre

It finally happened: I finally had my drug-addict-lands-in-the-gutter moment. The moment where someone held up a mirror next to the playground as I sold heroin to 6-year-old kids. The moment where I sold my house just for one more hit. The moment...where I gave up sugar.

The wake-up call came about three weeks ago. I was in Zurich airport, rushing to the gate to catch my plane. My laptop was under my arm. In my left hand was a big pack of Haribo Starbrites. In my right hand was my new mobile phone.

Suddenly I lost my balance, and the Haribo and phone went flying.

Question: you have .01 seconds to save either your 1 Euro bag of candy or your 80 Euro phone. What do you save?

So the phone went crashing to the ground and split in two, while my Starbrites landed safely in my hand. That was when I realized my priorities were not quite in order and that I needed to cut back on my sugar intake.

Granted, I didn't change overnight. I kept eating sugar like normal (read: raw and by the spoonful) but it no longer tasted the same. It was sour. Lonely. Broken. Like my mobile phone.

It took about a week before I decided to go cold turkey, but it's now been 2 weeks since I've touched anything.

All I can say is that it hasn't been easy. I had the shakes the first three days (seriously), and most of the time I feel like this:





Friday, April 24, 2009

What is wrong with this picture?


What is more ridiculous: the fact that I am having dinner in a restaurant with an aquarium or that I had to refuse the desserts in front of me?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sweet sweet services


Nothing upsets me more*** than being woken up at 7am on a Saturday by a delivery man who's not delivering anything to me. The man I live with gets tons of packages. But what do I get? Bills. Bills and cardigan catalogs.

Until last week, when an enormous box was waiting for me. It could've held a small dog or a big bouncy ball. Instead, it was a ginormous box of candy, courtesy of Sweet Services: Sweetarts, candy money Double bubble, Tootsie Rolls, Bit o' honey, Jelly Bllies, Tootsie Pops, caramel apple pops---all the classics. I can't wait! And I'll even share with you: just let me know if you want the popcorn or the black liquorice flavor.


***A slight exaggeration. There are a few things that are worse:
  • peanut butter on the roof of my mouth
  • jet lag from the London-SF flight
  • Narita express ride into Tokyo
  • nuts
  • coconut water

Monday, April 20, 2009

Morocco - where I discover dates and figs

Did anyone else know that these things are actually pretty tasty? I always thought they were for old people, but it turns out there are several countries where dates and figs are considered delicacies. Wild!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

On cupcakes and chemistry


Check out this eye candy--a periodic table of cupcakes--courtesy of Woman's Day and good ol' Maclamity, who's going through a rebranding exercise at the moment.

If only high school chemistry had looked like this! While I never looked at the periodic table and thought of making cupcakes out of them, I do remember spending many a day trying to make words by combining different elements. But that was always a bit disappointing---there's only so much you can do with UUT, UUTQ and the like, and always reverting to Helium and Calcium is a bit cheap.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Japanese sweet crunchy balls


Do you want my fresh-baked rolls? Don't they look tasty?

Lies! Lies!

These are Japanese sweet crunchy balls. Not rolls--you suckers!

Um...I don't have much else to say about these things. Other than that they are made by Takuda, seem to be called "Sunday"--which makes no sense to me whatsoever--and claim to have calcium-strengthening properties.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Ode to Jelly

For those of you who don't want to believe me when I go on about the wonders of Japanese jelly, listen to Rogestu, one of the masters of haiku:

Sucking up the gelidium jelly,
I ask myself questions,
And answer them.

I am hardly so reflective. When I eat these things I tend to think:
Sugar is like life
Swish in my mouth like water
Sweet jelly sweetness.