I’ve never been a big fan of Kinder products, despite the fact that they come from the same country as the GODS OF HARIBO. Take Kinder Eggs: nothing but a low-quality chocolate shell made slightly seductive by a cute marketing ploy (a cheap plastic toy is hidden inside each egg). I never understood why anyone would get excited about that, although I have an American friend who buys Kinder Eggs just for the toys, and I’m planning to take advantage of that by gifting her with several of these cheap Kinder delicacies for her birthday.
Over the years, Kinder products have distinguished themselves only by the fact that they are one of the few candies/chocolates I will actually refuse when offered. Coming from someone who sneaks brown sugar from the kitchen when no one is looking, that’s a pretty low ranking.
That’s why I was really skeptical about the latest Kinder rollout, which is officially, and most uninventively called Happy Hippo. But even under the hospital-esque lights of Tesco supermarket I could tell that this Kinder product was different. Please observe Figure 1--what a huge step in marketing! Anything that looks like an animal wins my vote, even if this looks more like an earthworm penis with eyes than a hippo. But still, kudos to Kinder!
But even more surprising was the taste. I was so shocked that I even decided to give Kinder‘pos (or rather, Kin’pos) the honor of inaugurating the new candy focus of this blog. (Oh yeah, btw, it’s all going to be about candy from now on, because that’s really all I care about. That and peace in the Middle East. And curing cancer.)
Unlike a regular Kinder Egg, which is bland chocolate, or a Kinder Kiddie Bar, which is bland chocolate plus some white stuff and maybe some hazelnut, the Kin’pos hold milk and hazelnut cream filling….which actually works together well. I thought the cracker-y shell would get in the way, but instead it is slightly sweetened and not at all paper-y tasting and really balances the two creams nicely. The white balls you see in the photo—Hippo rabies? Jungle scum?—add little to the creation, but balls and sprinkles are always a good addition to a candy, so I take no points off for that.
As an additional bonus, Kinder has finally followed the Path of Haribo, and taken on what perhaps one could call…a Hippocratic Oath? Meaning, fantastic candy should be consumed in bites, and should allow one to see the transformation from shiny, colourful supermarket product, to unrecognizable skeleton of death. This can be as simple as biting off the head of a gummy bear to sucking your way to the end of the red-and-white Starlight dinner candies and seeing the pathetic, hole-ridden structure of what was once a gleaming sunburst.
A bite of a Kin’pos' head and next thing you know you are staring into the face of Terror. Is there meaning to life? Nein! It is a vacant hole, with at best 50% of the cream they promised you on the package! Surrender to the void!!!!!!!!!!!! (You need to see a photo of this to really appreciate the effect, but I've eaten all of my research specimens and will need to return to the supermarket for another 5-pack.)
Gourmo factor: 6.99
Apocalypse factor: 10
Categories: kinder, kin'pos, candy, animals, apocalypse, haribo