Back when I was 14 or so, my mother had a cleaning lady come to the house to help her tidy things up after a rather chaotic summer filled with various relatives and animals. The woman came, she cleaned, and then she left. Our silver shined, my mother’s jewels were polished, the Bentley and Rolls glistened in the California sun. Family honor was restored.
Until the next morning, when my brother came storming downstairs, wild-eyed: “I’m gonna kill her! I’m gonna kill her!”
Turned out that the nice cleaning lady had thrown away his favorite bottle of mouthwash, which had occupied his side of our bathroom cabinet for the past year or so. The cleaning lady had seen the empty, 1L bottle of Listerine, and mistakenly believed it was just that—an empty bottle. She threw it into the depths of her big, black plastic trash bag, and carried it off in the night, never to be seen again.
I always thought my brother was ridiculous and more than slightly OCD, but today, my friends, I can say I now I understand the pain that boy experienced so many years ago.
You see, L., although not a dirty boy, had not really bothered to deep clean our apartment during the 6 months I was in Tokyo. So when I arrived in London, I did what any empowered feminist would do when faced with a domestic situation in disarray: I called another woman and asked her to deal with it.
Young, willowy Adriana showed up this morning, cleaned, and played an integral part in our lives for but a few, sweet hours. And then she was gone, whisked away by fate and other housewives. But then, about twenty minutes ago I discovered….
the wench took my bag of Brach’s jelly beans with her!
Granted, the bag was empty, and was taking up space on my candy shelf in the kitchen. But why would she even think to open the doors of the sacred candy shelf? And when she did, shouldn’t she have realized the import of the shelf’s contents, quickly but delicately closing the doors so that my chocolates and pastilles and fruities could continue in their merry frolic? And, and…wouldn’t you think that a young woman who has called upon another woman to solve her boyfriend’s slovenliness, would be, while perhaps not the most exacting of cleaners herself, at least organized enough to not leave an empty bag in her candy shelf without there being a reason?!?
Adriana didn’t clean. Oh no. She destroyed. And this will not be forgotten.
Categories: brach's, candy, evil