- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- The long walk home
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Brownies: the anti-dessert for anti-sweet people???
I feel like people who profess to really liking brownies are those who tend to avoid sweets in general. I don’t know why they’ve picked the brownie as their patron saint. It’s brown, it’s square. It’s so Eisenhower-era.
Maybe it’s the social pressure: they know it’s weird to not like any desserts at all, so when in big groups they’ll buy the All-American brownie, hoping that will convince any suspicious onlookers that these perfect-teethed, lithe-figured sweet-haters are just like you and me.
Or maybe they like how non-committal the brownie is as a dessert: sorta chocolatey, sorta cakey…perfect for someone who generally feels a bit lost in the sweets world and just doesn’t know where to turn.
Now, I don’t have a problem with the normal brownie lovers of the world. But I really don’t get these people who will only indulge in brownies…and maybe the occasional chocolate chip cookie.
Here are a few examples of Brownie Eaters I know. They’re perfectly nice people, but the big scientific connection here is that they all have a very exclusive relationship with brownies and they’re all kinda weird.
Case 1: A boy I once dated who was named after a famous Mark Twain character and who had spent his formative years raised in a teepee. Those two facts made him very attractive. What didn’t was that he never wanted to get dessert when we went to restaurants. And when he did buy something sweet at the campus snack shop it was always a brownie. He also ate way too healthily, once scolding me because I wanted to have a cookie before lunch, which he said would ruin my appetite. (Anyone who says that eating a sweet will ruin your appetite clearly has their food priorities mixed up.)
Case 2: A Japanese friend in Tokyo who only has two food loves: 1) brownies, and 2) natto spaghetti, which is a very healthy but gross Japanese pasta dish in which stinky, fermented soy beans are massively gooped on top of noodles.
Case 3: A gamer friend of mine who caresses and takes his computer to bed with him, and who has gone on record as stating that he would “prefer to eat his own vomit” rather than consume any of the sweets I like…with the exception of brownies.
Case 4: A former co-worker who used to sing Kylie Minogue songs while Power Pointing, and who was always going on and on about either 1) his mother, or 2) having to watch his figure. Big Brownie lover.
I know, I know, the proof could be better. But I’m just giving you all a heads-up about this. The next time someone goes on about loving brownies just give them a hard stare in the eyes—what do they mean when they say they like brownies?
***P.S. I'd be more than happy to participate if anyone wants to offer up an edible defense of the brownie.
Categories: brownies, anti-sweet,