- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- The long walk home
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
That’s right. I don’t care what your friends told you. It’s not candy. It may look like Lik-a-Maid, and it may make you feel as giddy as a little girl with a lollipop, but cocaine is not candy.
With each passing day you may want it more and more, and when you have no money to buy it you may start to feel desperate, but cocaine is not candy.
You may raid your roommate’s wallet, and you may find yourself lying to coworkers to explain the trace of powder on your nose, but cocaine is not candy.
It may make you want to jump on the boy next to you, or convince you that completing five Power Points by tomorrow morning is a piece of cake, but cocaine is not candy.
Cocaine is not candy, boys and girls, which means it’s just not worth all the trouble.
And which also means that you—you! Dirty hipster!—shouldn’t make me wait, legs crossed, hopping up and down in the hippest way I can muster (a sideways lean with tiny, hiccup-like hops) outside the bathroom while you and your boyfriend do the oh-so-subtle couples’ coke thing in the stall. Line after line for at least five minutes. Bastards.
If it had been candy I might have understood.
Categories: hipsters, cocaine, candy, evil