- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- The long walk home
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Devil Wears Purple
The Devil, clad in a lavender pashmina and turquoise earrings, paid me a visit last Monday at 2 p.m.
“No more sugar,” it said, throwing its medical degree in my face.
“Look at your blood sugar levels,” it pronounced ominously. “A daily diet of 80% carbohydrates is going to make you very, very sick.”
“You must turn back now before it is too late,” it continued, sweeping me under its hibiscus deodorant-smelling, lavender cloak of death.
The Pashmina lay before me a new lifestyle full of nuts and avocados and brussel sprouts; a life without Kin’pos, tablespoons of raw sugar, or hot chocolates. It was a life of gray London skies and endless rain, dragging on for decade after decade, unhindered by hypoglycemic episodes, diabetes, or rotten teeth.
“But I can’t quit cold turkey!” I cried. “Let's make a deal: I'll limit myself to one sugar item a day.”
“No. We cannot be flexible on this. Behave!”
With that the pashmina vanished, and I found myself in front of the Holland Park tube station--a stark, new world of Botox, colonics, and yoga mats.
I walked fifty meters, then paused. I had been so stunned by the Pashmina's pronouncements that I had not gotten a good look at the medical degree it had flashed. Perhaps it was not a real degree. Maybe it was one of those things Sally Struthers sells on TV...?
I felt lost and alone, like a sprinkle fallen from its cupcake.
But then I turned to my left and was momentarily blinded by the golden glare of an aluminum wrapper. Refreshers—the fizzy candy which fizzles all fizzly in your mouth —was glistening in the sun. There was the truth I had been seeking—unadorned, pashmina-less truth!
It was calling to me. I went to it. And I consumed it.
Categories: evil, candy, doctors, fashion, Kin'pos, sugar, devil, Refreshers