- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- The long walk home
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Moko Solves Readers' Sugar Problems
My boyfriend is a hardcore environmentalist who takes his own cloth bag to the supermarket, makes us share bath water, and who once threatened to leave me if I didn’t renew my Greenpeace membership.
He’s a great guy, though, and none of these things really bother me. The problem is that now he’s trying to get me to give up my big passion, Nutella, just because their jars are a waste of glass.
Moko, of all people you should understand that I cannot give up my Nutella. What should I do? I love him and sorta like the environment, but I'm really torn here.
Dear Fellow Nutella Lover,
This is a tough one. Frankly, I’d consider leaving your boyfriend if I were you. He shouldn’t try to change your Nutella habit anymore than you should try to convince him to stop supporting an environmental organization that sponsors teenage terrorists who chase us down the street screaming for donations, their orange jerseys streaking behind them like fire bombs.
So try to find a compromise. For starters, you should point out that the Germans are the makers of Nutella. They also make brown bread, are big into communes, and probably invented underarm hair for women. The Germans--even the German sugar gods--are super pro-environment. And I’m sure that all Germans are well aware of the various environmentally friendly uses for Nutella jars:
- Small pot: plants give much-needed oxygen back to our atmosphere!
- Drinking glass: much more chic and enviro-friendly than a paper cup!
- Animal liberation transportation device: to free the cockroaches and flies trapped in a house!
- Jar: to hold coupons printed on recycled paper!
Personally, I use my Nutella jar to hold my spoons. Whenever I have a peanut butter attack I just grab one from my jar, saving the five extra seconds it would have taken to go to the silverware drawer. That is also good for the environment--in some sort of entropy-reducing, uh, something or other.
But ultimately, there are two questions you have to ask yourself: what kind of person doesn’t like Nutella? And can you imagine yourself growing old with that kind of person? Good luck, and be strong.
Categories: Nutella, Germany, letters