- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- The long walk home
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Threatened by Iraq War, Cadbury Plans to Send in Troops
From yesterday’s edition of The Guardian:
The world's biggest confectionery firm, Cadbury Schweppes, said today it would miss its profit margin targets for the second year running.
“We expect further growth in margins this year, although with continuing rises in oil prices it is unlikely we will deliver margin growth within our goal ranges in 2006," said Todd Stitzer, the chief executive.
(Below: my summary of the rest of the article)
Cadbury has developed a two-pronged attack strategy for boosting the company’s Q3 earnings. The so-called Rose & Crème Initiative will stop the Iraq War and bring oil prices down, said the chief executive.
In the first instance, Cadbury will dispatch millions of its popular Cadbury Roses to British soldiers (and some thin American soldiers) to distribute to the Iraqi people as messages of peace. At the same time, Cadbury will outfit select numbers of its Crème Eggs with mini swords and parachute them into conflict zones, where they will hunt down insurgents like sword-buckling, chocolate Humpty Dumptys.
The Cadbury CEO noted that only Crème Eggs left over from this past Easter will be used, thereby avoiding waste as well as allowing Cadbury to use this as a tax write-off.
In a final step, the company may consider poisoning all of its chocolates and sending them off “like little chocolate time bombs” into the stomachs of insurgents, Iraqi citizens, and Coalition soldiers alike. “This war is hurting the Iraqi people, and it’s hurting us. It just has to end. We don’t care how,” said Stitzer.
Categories: Cadbury, chocolate, lies, Iraq