- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- The long walk home
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Friday, October 20, 2006
Valentines in October
On the 12th day of Halloween…
I once again discovered how stupid England is in its promotion of unseasonal candy right before All Hallow’s Eve.
Take a look at these bits of bordeom: Love Hearts.
How many things are wrong with this picture? The answers are obvious, but for those of you who simply think this blog is (occasionally) a good laugh, and don’t actually live by candy as I do, I will spell it all out for you:
1. It is 12 days away from Halloween, not Valentine’s Day.
2. Halloween is about ghouls and goblins and ghouls and goblin-themed candy. It has nothing to do with love or hearts.
3. They taste like fizzy deodorant (if it existed).
4. These are not the famous and American Candy Hearts but rather a cheap-looking imitation.
Good lord England, what would Rudyard Kipling say if he could see you now?
I’ll tell you what he’d say:
Far-called, our navies melt away;
On dune and headland sinks the fire:
Lo, all our pomp of yesterday
Is one with Nineveh and Tyre!
Judge of the Nations, spare us yet,
Lest we forget -- lest we forget!
Categories: Valentines, candy, Love-Hearts, England