Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Why must Europe always be so European?

On the 14th day of Halloween…

I discovered that my local supermarket, TESCO, has completely skipped over Halloween and gone straight to X-mas.

The candy aisle is packed with chocolate Santas, mistletoe candy, and red and green hard candies. Utterly ridiculous.

Which brings me to this question:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH EUROPE?

If it’s not black currants, tasteless Starbursts, and football-themed donuts , it’s something like this—a total rejection of American holidays.

I mean, fine that you hate our fast food, our accents, and our neo-imperialism (though really, folks, that’s like sooo 2004), but you shouldn’t assume that everything coming from the mother ship is all bombs and miserchordia.

In fact, one would think you guys would love Halloween, with all its pagan, socialist undertones! Sure, Hallmark sells Halloween cards, and the Simpsons’ use it as an excuse to put on particularly unfunny seasonal specials, but all in all it’s just a day where we dress up like bunnies and devils and ask strangers for candy.

And come on America, show some might! You threw the English out centuries ago; you have managed to cut carbs out of your diets; and you’ve managed to resist the metric system—why can’t you get some wussy Englishmen to dress up as ghosts for one day each year???

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