In a move to encourage me to move away from sugar, friends and family have recently been pushing nuts in my direction.
I have a huge problem with nuts.
First, NUTS AREN’T SWEET.
Second, NUTS LOOK DUMB. Compare the shape and color of nuts to any candy and you will see that the nut marketers have a lot to learn. Hey Nut Team, what’s the funkiest nut you can put forth—a cashew? Sure, a cashew could show a hazelnut the business but how well do you think it would do against a Yorkie or a Kin’po?
Third, NUTS MAKE YOU FAT. Candy is fat free and many of its fruit-filled versions provide you with important, life-saving Vitamin C.
Fourth, NUTS AREN’T GOOD FOR PLAYING OR FLIRTING. You can’t spit in the color of nuts after eating them; you can't twirl them about in your mouth in a provocative way; they are totally useless.
Fifth and last, NUTS ARE FOR MASOCHISTS. So let’s say you are stranded on a deserted island and you can have nuts or candy. Which would you pick? Well, if you’re sensible you’ll pick candy because no one’s ever going to rescue you (the island’s deserted, dummy) and you might as well waste away happily as you eat empty-caloried candy. You could miserably survive days, years, lifetimes on nuts!