- The freaky chocolate children of Moscow
- The long walk home
- Cadbury Offers to Pay £1 of Your Hospital Bill
- Poor Ireland gets stuck with Time Out
- Halloween in England
- UPDATE: My One-Month Plan to Seduce the Chocolate Man
- Cocaine is not Candy, Boys and Girls
- Turndown Service
- A Daily, 5-Second Vacation for The Chosen
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Colonoscopies - the best excuse ever to eat candy
Hollywood types and readers of Gwyneth's GOOP love their enema and detox diets, but for most of us regular folks, the idea of laxatives, colonoscopies, and enemas is rather distasteful--and certainly not something you'd bring up at the dinner table, in your newsletter, or on your blog.
Until now. Because, ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the light at the end of my large intestine and I'm a colonoscopy convert!
First, and most importantly, there's the drink. Now everyone had told me the colonoscopy drink is the most disgusting thing ever--viscuous and slimy all at once. But really it was like liquid sugar. I loved every minute of it.
Second, you get to eats tons of candy. You're not allowed to eat anything substantive before a colonoscopy, and the doctor's instructions specifically say, "only tea, water, sports drinks." It's the only time any doctor's going to tell you to eat candy, so you really have to make the most of it. And I did.
And finally, there's the anaesthesia, which floats you right on up to happy land. I was in such a good mood that it didn't even bother me when I heard the nurses whispering that they weren't quite sure how to best arrange me on the examination table because my "foreign butt" was so large. (I thought about providing a picture of my backside to prove to you all that my butt is really not large by anything but Japanese standards, but I think this post is already pushing it as it is...)
Now if America could just get their health care sorted out, you too could enjoy this experience for free!